NFL Week One Cheat Sheet
I did exactly what you are supposed to do with your Labor Day Weekend a few days ago. I participated in a 14-team, 28-person fantasy football draft that turned into a poker game after about five hours. Sometimes these events can go horribly wrong, but ours was a phenomenal experience.
It ended up being a mixture of Lord of the Flies, Mardi Gras and a Weight Watchers meeting for men of a certain age. My partner and I made it through the 15-rounds and feel pretty good about our status.
Now that the fantasy football portion of my house is in order, it is time to focus on our picks for Week One of the NFL season.
Kansas City Chiefs at (-9.0) New England Patriots: Patriots are favored to win the Super Bowl and favored to win this game by more than a touchdown. Last time the Chiefs won in Foxboro was 1998. Things will have to change dramatically before I pick against New England. -- PATRIOTS
Pittsburgh Steelers at (+9.0) Cleveland Browns: Deshone Kizer won the Crappy Quarterback Competition over Brock Osweiler, Cody Kessler, and Kevin Hogan and now must face the Steel Curtain. The best Browns cornerback going into training camp, Joe Haden, is now a Steeler, too. Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger is 20-2 against the Browns and 10-1 in Cleveland. -- STEELERS
Arizona Cardinals at (+2.0) Detroit Lions: Detroit QB Matt Stafford has historically struggled against the Arizona defense that allowed the second fewest yards and had the most sacks of any defense in the league last year. Vegas sees the home team Lions as an underdog. Huh, interesting, what do the wise guys know? Lions running backs are healthier than last year. A good chance I will regret this pick, but... -- LIONS
Jacksonville Jaguars at (-5.5) Houston Texans: The Jaguars stink and Texans coach Bill O'Brien might be a moron. There are much more important things going on in Houston this weekend than this game. -- TEXANS
Baltimore Ravens at (-3.0) Cincinnati Bengals: Baltimore QB Joe Flacco didn't play one down in the preseason due to a back injury. Bengals bad boy defenders Vontaze Burfict and Adam "Pacman" Jones are serving suspensions and not playing Sunday. That means local strippers and strip club patrons better be on guard, because those two might be out living it up in the citAYY. -- BENGALS
Oakland Raiders at (-2.5) Tennessee Titans: Best game of the 1 p.m. slate. Oakland was 9-2 in one score games and 5-0 in games decided be fewer than three points last year. They have also won close games against the Titans in Nashville the last two years. That is too much good luck to continue against a rising Tennessee team. -- TITANS
Atlanta Falcons at (+7.0) Chicago Bears: And now the Falcons start their recuperation from the Super Bowl loss hangover, but don't believe the hype on the supposed curse of the SB loser. Once this game gets out of hand in favor of Atlanta, enjoy watching some of the Bears young offensive weapons like RB Jordan Howard and rookie WR Kevin White. There's hope for Chicago, just not this Sunday. -- FALCONS
Philadelphia Eagles at (+1.0) Washington Redskins: Philadelphia is getting a little prognosticator love this year. Out of the 15 experts polled by NFL.com, most (10) picked the New York Giants to win the NFC East, but second most (4) went with the Eagles. Guess who no one picked? The Football Club from Washington. Mondays are a lot better around here when the home team wins. I anticipate a Misery Monday. -- EAGLES
New York Jets at (-9.0) Buffalo Bills: As NFL teams entered training camps, these two teams were estimated to be near the bottom of the league. Since then, each has traded away a key veteran player -- WR Sammy Watkins from the Bills and DL Sheldon Richardson from the Jets. If these teams are not at the bottom now, they can certainly touch it without straining themselves. If in Buffalo this weekend, fans of these two awful teams can drink away their sorrows at a 6-hour Game Day Bar Crawl. -- BILLS
Indianapolis Colts at (+1.5) at Los Angeles Rams: There are a lot of positives to living in the Washington metropolitan area like good schools, the museums on the mall, and not being able to view this crappy game. West Coast trips for eastern time zones teams are historically daunting, but virtually impossible if your quarterback sucks. Colts starter Scott Tolzien is 31st best of 32 starting quarterbacks according to Colt Kesselring of HEROSports. -- RAMS
Seattle Seahawks at (-3.0) Green Bay Packers: This is the best game of Week 1. The Packers have been to the playoffs the last eight years, including a Super Bowl victory and two of the last three conference championship games. The Seahawks qualified for the playoffs six out of the last seven years with one Super Bowl victory and one Super Bowl loss to the evil empire. Great game, can't wait, will be speeding back from Nats Park to catch the start of this one. -- PACKERS
Carolina Panthers at (+5.5) San Francisco 49ers: We finally get to see if new 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan can command his own ship in the red ocean of the NFL. Too bad he has a crew of scurvy-ridden jamokes. Cam Newton is another year removed from a shoulder injury and he is bringing rookie RB Christian McCaffery with him. Shanahan will make San Francisco creditable, but not in one week. -- PANTHERS
New York Giants at (-4.0) Dallas Cowboys: Alleged batterer Ezekiel Elliott will get to play this weekend at running back for Dallas and will then have to take some time off. You would think that is not good news for the Giants, but they want Elliott to play. New York added WR Brandon Marshall to boost their sometimes flailing offense. Marshall can be excellent and he can also be a locker room malcontent. Elliott gives the Cowboys the edge they need. -- COWBOYS
New Orleans Saints at (-3.5) Minnesota Vikings: This is a juicy story line...Minnesota releases their franchise rushing leader before he wants to leave the organization. Saints pick up that all-time leading rusher. Vikings host Saints first week of the very next season. Adrian Peterson rushed for 11,747 yards as a Viking, almost 5,000 more than number two on the list. But he is 32 years old and has lost two of the last three seasons to injuries. Oh, and the Vikings have a stellar defense. -- VIKINGS
Los Angeles Chargers at (-3.5) Denver Broncos: I hate this opening weekend, late-Monday night game. Come on, I have to be in bed around 10 p.m. on a school night. I will go with the home team and check my sports app in the morning. -- BRONCOS
Enjoy the games, folks.
It ended up being a mixture of Lord of the Flies, Mardi Gras and a Weight Watchers meeting for men of a certain age. My partner and I made it through the 15-rounds and feel pretty good about our status.
If you look closely, you might be able to see the boulder hanging over Piggy.
Kansas City Chiefs at (-9.0) New England Patriots: Patriots are favored to win the Super Bowl and favored to win this game by more than a touchdown. Last time the Chiefs won in Foxboro was 1998. Things will have to change dramatically before I pick against New England. -- PATRIOTS
Pittsburgh Steelers at (+9.0) Cleveland Browns: Deshone Kizer won the Crappy Quarterback Competition over Brock Osweiler, Cody Kessler, and Kevin Hogan and now must face the Steel Curtain. The best Browns cornerback going into training camp, Joe Haden, is now a Steeler, too. Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger is 20-2 against the Browns and 10-1 in Cleveland. -- STEELERS
Arizona Cardinals at (+2.0) Detroit Lions: Detroit QB Matt Stafford has historically struggled against the Arizona defense that allowed the second fewest yards and had the most sacks of any defense in the league last year. Vegas sees the home team Lions as an underdog. Huh, interesting, what do the wise guys know? Lions running backs are healthier than last year. A good chance I will regret this pick, but... -- LIONS
Jacksonville Jaguars at (-5.5) Houston Texans: The Jaguars stink and Texans coach Bill O'Brien might be a moron. There are much more important things going on in Houston this weekend than this game. -- TEXANS
Baltimore Ravens at (-3.0) Cincinnati Bengals: Baltimore QB Joe Flacco didn't play one down in the preseason due to a back injury. Bengals bad boy defenders Vontaze Burfict and Adam "Pacman" Jones are serving suspensions and not playing Sunday. That means local strippers and strip club patrons better be on guard, because those two might be out living it up in the citAYY. -- BENGALS
Oakland Raiders at (-2.5) Tennessee Titans: Best game of the 1 p.m. slate. Oakland was 9-2 in one score games and 5-0 in games decided be fewer than three points last year. They have also won close games against the Titans in Nashville the last two years. That is too much good luck to continue against a rising Tennessee team. -- TITANS
Atlanta Falcons at (+7.0) Chicago Bears: And now the Falcons start their recuperation from the Super Bowl loss hangover, but don't believe the hype on the supposed curse of the SB loser. Once this game gets out of hand in favor of Atlanta, enjoy watching some of the Bears young offensive weapons like RB Jordan Howard and rookie WR Kevin White. There's hope for Chicago, just not this Sunday. -- FALCONS
Philadelphia Eagles at (+1.0) Washington Redskins: Philadelphia is getting a little prognosticator love this year. Out of the 15 experts polled by NFL.com, most (10) picked the New York Giants to win the NFC East, but second most (4) went with the Eagles. Guess who no one picked? The Football Club from Washington. Mondays are a lot better around here when the home team wins. I anticipate a Misery Monday. -- EAGLES
New York Jets at (-9.0) Buffalo Bills: As NFL teams entered training camps, these two teams were estimated to be near the bottom of the league. Since then, each has traded away a key veteran player -- WR Sammy Watkins from the Bills and DL Sheldon Richardson from the Jets. If these teams are not at the bottom now, they can certainly touch it without straining themselves. If in Buffalo this weekend, fans of these two awful teams can drink away their sorrows at a 6-hour Game Day Bar Crawl. -- BILLS
Indianapolis Colts at (+1.5) at Los Angeles Rams: There are a lot of positives to living in the Washington metropolitan area like good schools, the museums on the mall, and not being able to view this crappy game. West Coast trips for eastern time zones teams are historically daunting, but virtually impossible if your quarterback sucks. Colts starter Scott Tolzien is 31st best of 32 starting quarterbacks according to Colt Kesselring of HEROSports. -- RAMS
Seattle Seahawks at (-3.0) Green Bay Packers: This is the best game of Week 1. The Packers have been to the playoffs the last eight years, including a Super Bowl victory and two of the last three conference championship games. The Seahawks qualified for the playoffs six out of the last seven years with one Super Bowl victory and one Super Bowl loss to the evil empire. Great game, can't wait, will be speeding back from Nats Park to catch the start of this one. -- PACKERS
Carolina Panthers at (+5.5) San Francisco 49ers: We finally get to see if new 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan can command his own ship in the red ocean of the NFL. Too bad he has a crew of scurvy-ridden jamokes. Cam Newton is another year removed from a shoulder injury and he is bringing rookie RB Christian McCaffery with him. Shanahan will make San Francisco creditable, but not in one week. -- PANTHERS
Urban Dictionary forgot "See San Francisco 49ers" in this definition.
New York Giants at (-4.0) Dallas Cowboys: Alleged batterer Ezekiel Elliott will get to play this weekend at running back for Dallas and will then have to take some time off. You would think that is not good news for the Giants, but they want Elliott to play. New York added WR Brandon Marshall to boost their sometimes flailing offense. Marshall can be excellent and he can also be a locker room malcontent. Elliott gives the Cowboys the edge they need. -- COWBOYS
New Orleans Saints at (-3.5) Minnesota Vikings: This is a juicy story line...Minnesota releases their franchise rushing leader before he wants to leave the organization. Saints pick up that all-time leading rusher. Vikings host Saints first week of the very next season. Adrian Peterson rushed for 11,747 yards as a Viking, almost 5,000 more than number two on the list. But he is 32 years old and has lost two of the last three seasons to injuries. Oh, and the Vikings have a stellar defense. -- VIKINGS
Los Angeles Chargers at (-3.5) Denver Broncos: I hate this opening weekend, late-Monday night game. Come on, I have to be in bed around 10 p.m. on a school night. I will go with the home team and check my sports app in the morning. -- BRONCOS
Enjoy the games, folks.
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